Spider-Squad II: Femme Force Five~!

Remade! As a sequel! Black Widow kicks butt with four other women, one of whom is invisible the entire time!

If there’s a problem. If no one else can handle it. And if you’ve already tried the Avengers, maybe you can hire….FEMME FORCE FIVE!

Real Talk

Gonna talk feminism for a second. Feel free to check out.

Was just thinking about something. In 3rd grade, my friend K wanted me to hold her medication bottle for her because she didn’t want a bulge showing in her jeans on class picture day.

That’s messed up, right? She was freaking 8. Who told her what societal expectations of women were? Who was holding her to them?

Anyway, she went through a LOT as we got older. I hope she’s doing alright now.

I dunno. I got nothin’.

That’s all folks. Read my comic. It’s funny, and there’s aliens and lasers and magic and stuff.

Last Dragon Day – May 8

English literature is awash with great heroes. One of literature’s most venerable heroes is the star of the anonymously-authored Beowulf. This bold Viking set out to save his lord Hrothgar’s people from a vicious monster called Grendel, slew the monster’s mother and her brood of sea serpents.

After these exploits, the author claims that Beowulf participates in the Battle on the Ice of Lake Vanern on the side of Lord Eadgils against the Swedish King Onela.

Beowulf then reigns as King of the Geats for 51 years before a dragon rises to threaten his domain. Taking up his sword and shield once more, great Beowulf set off to challenge the beast. In the end, dragon and hero killed each other.

With the exception of the Lambton Worm and a few other medieval sightings, this was the last Western European dragon. In honor of the beast and the hero, we commemorate May 8 as Last Dragon Day. Why May 8? Well, the Battle on the Ice of Lake Vanern took place around 530 AD. The battle with the dragon took place 51 years later, in 581.

5/8/1. Technically, Last Dragon Day should start at 1pm. But whatever.

It’s simple to celebrate Last Dragon Day. First, you’ll need a cape. Next, a sword. Preferably one that is obviously fake, so you don’t get shot by any overeager cops, soccer moms, or neighborhood watch people. Finally, you’ll need a place where you can consume vast quantities of sausage, steak, meat pies, breads, and (preferably) dark soda*.

The day starts at 1pm with the consumption of a single, whole jalapeño to taste the fire of the beast and honor the dragon. Revelry begins at night. Gather friends for your warrior band and have yourself a heady night of soda*, song, and merry-making!

*where appropriate

Arguments I’m Tired of Having Answered Here in One Sentence Each

There are a lot of stupid people out there. By which I mean there are a lot of people out there who disagree with me on all sorts of topics. Ordinarily, I’m more than happy to argue with/punch these people, but there are certain arguments I just refuse to have anymore. Don’t worry. There aren’t many, and I’ll present and answer each below with one sentence each. Enjoy (or cringe, as the case may be).

1. Our college has African American Studies and Latino Studies and Feminist Studies, so why can’t we have Old White People Studies?

You already do, and it’s called Every Other Course You Will Take At University.

2. 9/11 was an inside job!

Yes it was, but only if by “an inside job” you mean “plotted by Al-Qaeda insiders.”

3. Christmas is under attack!

Holy Mother Church doesn’t give a flying fart about Christmas trees, you ignorant fear-monger.

4. Most welfare recipients are cheating the system.

OMG, one guy on welfare got to eat lobster and NOTHING ELSE FOR A WEEK BECAUSE FOOD STAMPS AREN’T ALL-ACCESS BUFFET CARDS.

5. Political Correctness is out of control!

Because you’re not allowed to say the N-word without fear of rebuke?

6. OMG, we should totes  arrest a guy for quoting Winston Churchill!

If we’re going to start condemning historical figures for off-color comments, we’ll have to condemn everyone born before 1980, as my generation was the first to grow up learning from birth that the N-word is actually incredibly offensive.

7. Muslims are taking over!

I guess you’re right, if by “taking over” you mean “immigrating to European nations in search of a better way of life and then proceed to have more babies than their native-born neighbors because lots of liberals are too stupid to realize pregnancy isn’t a damn disease,” but go ahead and have more babies if it makes you feel any better.

8. The problem with all these illegals is that they steal jobs from Americans, won’t learn English, and force us to learn Spanish!

Immigration without assimilation leads to the horror of St. Patrick’s Day parades and Godfather sequels. 

9. Women need to practice modesty because men are too stupid to control themselves and might rape them or otherwise be led into sin.

And believe it or not, I’m actually a conservative. And it’s precisely because I’m a conservative that I find the above arguments distasteful. While today’s political climate would require me to explain the previous statement, I refuse to. It’s not my fault no one’s read Plato, Pascal, or Kierkegaard for the past century.

Let me instead close by suggesting that humility, mercy, and compassion are not polite suggestions but actual virtues we, as Christians, are expected to practice. If you’re not Christian, you may have even heard that before.