So. I don’t have a comic for you this week. Probably won’t have one next week. Will try to get one up by the holidays, but I think we may be looking at a June release, at the earliest. Very sorry. Grad school has proven a bigger bear than I anticipated. Scratch that. It’s proven EXACTLY as difficult as anticipated, and for that reason alone, my time for comicking has drastically been reduced.
Be that as it may, I will try to keep weekly updates going as long as I am able. Maybe throw a few In His Spare Time’s at you. See what happens.
Now, to address the title of this post. I turned 30 in April. So far, being 30 is kind of amazing. Having my mind blown constantly by all the ignorance and ridiculousness of modern society and how this ignorance has infected and infested our public school system. But I’m also learning about the great, unsung heroes of my nation, and for that, I am grateful and inspired.
Also new this year: The amount of farts I give has been growing steadily closer to zero. And it is amazing. Tyler Durden was right. There is an amazing amount of freedom you gain from being able to let that which does not matter truly slide.
Hey friends. Today, I’d like to respond to an article on Cracked.com. So go ahead and read it HERE, and we’ll begin when you get back.
Don’t worry. I’ll wait. I have to. I’m just text on a screen, where did you think I was going to go?
All done? Cool. Ok, let’s start with some areas of confusion. Maybe it has to do with my autism or maybe it has to do with my tendency to over-think everything, but for some reason I thought guys were supposed to make friends with a woman before we asked her out. I mean, otherwise we’re just asking out every woman we’re attracted to within seconds of meeting them. “Hello, Woman Number 9,587. You seem like a cool person. Want to go on a date?”
Plus, why would you want to go on a date with someone you’re not friends with? “Hello, Woman Number 9,588. I know we don’t know each other, and we’re only talking because we’re standing in the same Wendy’s checkout line, but do you want to go on a date knowing absolutely nothing about each other?”
You don’t know this person. They could be dangerous! Or boring!
But hey, maybe that stranger who pours your coffee at Starbucks isn’t secretly Bat-girl? Maybe she’s just a normal person who’s just aching for some honest, human interaction?
Hey, is that what you guys do? Just go around letting people know when you’re attracted to them, as soon as you can? Because that seems creepy. By creepy, I mean that I’ve had women tell me that seems creepy. Plus, from what I’ve seen at least, most women like to get to know a guy for a little while before going on a date. But then, what’s the appropriate quantity of time? Is it the three-day rule? Is a month too long? What if you were, like, really, really busy? Or just forgot?
And hey, don’t get me wrong. I totally agree with Mr. Gladstone’s points here. I’m just curious about the timing. Thankfully, I have gotten a bit better at it. Here’s a free tip: If you can’t tell whether she’s interested, she’s probably not. And that won’t change. Like, ever. There’s a woman I like right now. I’m about 98% sure she doesn’t feel the same way as I do, and that is ok. Everyone’s entitled to their own feelings. I’m not Emoto, Lord of Emotions. That said, I really enjoy our conversations and would be honored to continue being her friend because friendship is a good thing.
As for letting women know how you feel, well, I think most can tell. At least with me. I’m pretty easy to read. That said, it is always better to be upfront and honest. Do not fear the Awkwardness! Embrace Risk!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a phone call to put off making because I am a pretty nervous guy, all things considered.
…And Another Thing
Part of the problem comes from thinking of the Friend Zone as a trap. Just because it has the word “zone” in it, doesn’t make it a trap. Examples of zones that are not traps (or if they are, traps in which I would be content to stay trapped):
1. The Happy Puppy Zone (in which puppies run around in the sun, being happy and cute forever)
2. The Free Candy Zone (in which there is free candy)
3. The Forbidden Zone (because I am a rebel)
4. The Superhero Zone (where you get to be a superhero)
5. The Pony/Horse/Elephant/Pig/Battle-Cat Zone (where everyone gets a pony, horse, elephant, pig, or Battle-Cat to ride)
And yes, the Friend Zone. (Oh no! I’m trapped in the Friend Zone! I have no choice but to crack jokes and sing karaoke and drink hot cocoa and split the cost of a pizza and watch movies and argue about which color lightsaber Princess Leia would use! Whatever will I do?!)
Picture of Batgirl from “Batman: The Animated Series.” Copyright Warner Bros. 2016.
There are a lot of stupid people out there. By which I mean there are a lot of people out there who disagree with me on all sorts of topics. Ordinarily, I’m more than happy to argue with/punch these people, but there are certain arguments I just refuse to have anymore. Don’t worry. There aren’t many, and I’ll present and answer each below with one sentence each. Enjoy (or cringe, as the case may be).
1. Our college has African American Studies and Latino Studies and Feminist Studies, so why can’t we have Old White People Studies?
You already do, and it’s called Every Other Course You Will Take At University.
2. 9/11 was an inside job!
Yes it was, but only if by “an inside job” you mean “plotted by Al-Qaeda insiders.”
3. Christmas is under attack!
Holy Mother Church doesn’t give a flying fart about Christmas trees, you ignorant fear-monger.
4. Most welfare recipients are cheating the system.
Because you’re not allowed to say the N-word without fear of rebuke?
6. OMG, we should totes arrest a guy for quoting Winston Churchill!
If we’re going to start condemning historical figures for off-color comments, we’ll have to condemn everyone born before 1980, as my generation was the first to grow up learning from birth that the N-word is actually incredibly offensive.
9. Women need to practice modesty because men are too stupid to control themselves and might rape them or otherwise be led into sin.
And believe it or not, I’m actually a conservative. And it’s precisely because I’m a conservative that I find the above arguments distasteful. While today’s political climate would require me to explain the previous statement, I refuse to. It’s not my fault no one’s read Plato, Pascal, or Kierkegaard for the past century.
Let me instead close by suggesting that humility, mercy, and compassion are not polite suggestions but actual virtues we, as Christians, are expected to practice. If you’re not Christian, you may have even heard that before.