Arguments I’m Tired of Having Answered Here in One Sentence Each

There are a lot of stupid people out there. By which I mean there are a lot of people out there who disagree with me on all sorts of topics. Ordinarily, I’m more than happy to argue with/punch these people, but there are certain arguments I just refuse to have anymore. Don’t worry. There aren’t many, and I’ll present and answer each below with one sentence each. Enjoy (or cringe, as the case may be).

1. Our college has African American Studies and Latino Studies and Feminist Studies, so why can’t we have Old White People Studies?

You already do, and it’s called Every Other Course You Will Take At University.

2. 9/11 was an inside job!

Yes it was, but only if by “an inside job” you mean “plotted by Al-Qaeda insiders.”

3. Christmas is under attack!

Holy Mother Church doesn’t give a flying fart about Christmas trees, you ignorant fear-monger.

4. Most welfare recipients are cheating the system.

OMG, one guy on welfare got to eat lobster and NOTHING ELSE FOR A WEEK BECAUSE FOOD STAMPS AREN’T ALL-ACCESS BUFFET CARDS.

5. Political Correctness is out of control!

Because you’re not allowed to say the N-word without fear of rebuke?

6. OMG, we should totes  arrest a guy for quoting Winston Churchill!

If we’re going to start condemning historical figures for off-color comments, we’ll have to condemn everyone born before 1980, as my generation was the first to grow up learning from birth that the N-word is actually incredibly offensive.

7. Muslims are taking over!

I guess you’re right, if by “taking over” you mean “immigrating to European nations in search of a better way of life and then proceed to have more babies than their native-born neighbors because lots of liberals are too stupid to realize pregnancy isn’t a damn disease,” but go ahead and have more babies if it makes you feel any better.

8. The problem with all these illegals is that they steal jobs from Americans, won’t learn English, and force us to learn Spanish!

Immigration without assimilation leads to the horror of St. Patrick’s Day parades and Godfather sequels. 

9. Women need to practice modesty because men are too stupid to control themselves and might rape them or otherwise be led into sin.

And believe it or not, I’m actually a conservative. And it’s precisely because I’m a conservative that I find the above arguments distasteful. While today’s political climate would require me to explain the previous statement, I refuse to. It’s not my fault no one’s read Plato, Pascal, or Kierkegaard for the past century.

Let me instead close by suggesting that humility, mercy, and compassion are not polite suggestions but actual virtues we, as Christians, are expected to practice. If you’re not Christian, you may have even heard that before.

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