Doctors, health professionals, and food babes mean well. Usually, they genuinely want to help and aren’t just trying to take all your money. But for all their well-meaning advice, sometimes these self-proclaimed nutritionists are just out of touch with the reality of the average little Viking. Read on for more.
6. Eat Slow
Doctors always say to eat slowly. Maybe that is a good idea if you’re Dr. Fancy McFancypants who wakes up at nine for a lavish breakfast, goes to work at eleven, takes a two-hour lunch at noon, and drives a Porsche home at four. The rest of us have to rush. Eat breakfast fast in the wee hours of the morning so you can beat traffic to work. Try to get to work early to wear down the ever growing Mountain of Random Stuff. Rush through your fifteen or twenty minute lunch. Then go home and eat dinner fast because you have way more work to do before bedtime. Doctors don’t live in my world.
Better idea: Shrink portion size. Instead of buying the 6-piece Super-Fried Chicken-ish Nuggets, get the 4-piece Super-Fried Chicken-ish Nugget. I know you want that medium fry desperately. Go ahead and get it. But who really needs 280 oz. of soda for lunch? Get the small. A “small” soda is, like, 20 oz. at McDonalds. That’s, what, three or four Human-Size Glasses’ worth?
5. Daily Exercise
Exercise everyday is not impossible. In theory. In practice, everyone is exhausted after working 10 hours every day (except, of course, for doctors and other health professionals and people who have no interests, passions, or goals in life outside of their own physicality). Exercise in the morning is a joke. In the summer, it’s possible. But in the winter? It was 19 degrees this morning. No thanks.
Physical fitness is terrible. But it’s also important. If you’re fat, your family and friends won’t stop hassling you to lose weight. Oh, and supposedly, there are health benefits to being in good shape. Even if you already have good cholesterol, good blood pressure, and good everything else. But the average joe has no time for it, and the average job is high-stress, low-movement. The perfect recipe for feeling too exhausted to exercise.
Better idea: Weekly LARPing. Seriously. Spend a couple hours every Saturday swinging a foam sword around and chasing friends dressed as orcs or elves, and you’ll be in tip-top shape in no time!
If you find yourself without time/energy/interest for LARPing, no worries. Contrary to what every other health professional says, we all get plenty of exercise. We all walk everywhere we can’t drive. The problem is not and never was exercise. The problem is our intake. In Western culture, we sit a lot and eat dozens of pounds of food at every meal. Maybe try and get that number down to single digits?
4. Quit Carbs
First of all, “carbs” aren’t really a thing. There are chemicals called “carbohydrates” which the body uses for energy, but these are really only important for biologists, doctors, and other medical professionals/high school biology and home ec teachers to worry about.
There is nothing wrong with eating bread or chips or pasta or any of the other grain-based foods that make life worth living.
Better idea: Eat fewer things. Believe it or not, corn sugar is not actually bad for you. I know this because I know what sugar is, and I know what corn is, and neither of those things are going to kill you.
Pictured: Less dangerous than pretty much anything ever.
What DOES kill you is eating 72 gallons of high-fructose corn syrup every month.
Try getting that number down to 60 or so, and you should be golden.
3. Join a Gym
Gyms are terrible. They are loud, smelly places where fun and joy go to die. The only people who like the gym are people who say “Beast Mode” without even once thinking about Transformers. If you like going to the gym, feel free to go, and please stay there.
Better idea: Walk to the library. Did you know your town has a library? Most do, and most are empty. Yours should be within walking distance. If it isn’t, imagine how much exercise you’ll get just walking a town or two over!
2. Try a Cleanse
Listen very carefully. Cleanses are stupid, and you’re stupid for living off cranberry juice for a week.
Better idea: Stop being so stupid.
1. Eat Only Raw Fruits and Vegetables and Protein
Ok. I don’t what happened to people in the last ten years, but the word you are looking for is “MEAT,” not protein.
Coincidentally, the word vegetarians are looking for is “NUTS.”
Now that we got that cleared up, this is actually pretty good advice. The only problem is it’s a little too extreme. Especially for people who still like to enjoy restaurants, work-related social events, and birthday parties.
Better idea: Eat whatever you want, just eat less of it. Seriously, your health is not that complicated. People have been on this planet for a million years. You really think OUR generation is the first to figure out how to eat right?
Look, here’s the Secret: Eat less stuff and walk more. That’s pretty much it. Don’t listen to anything anyone else says. Except your doctor. Doctors know everything. That’s why they get to wake up at 9am, take two-hour lunches, and drive around in Porsches.
Nuts picture from Healthy Diet Advisor. Retrieved from: https://www.healthydietadvisor.com/reduce-cancer-risk-by-eating-nuts/ on 1/24/16.
Corn picture from Nebraska Corn Board. Retrieved from: http://www.nebraskacorn.org/issues-initiatives/your-food/field-corn-vs-food-corn/ on 1/24/16.